Sunday, August 31, 2008

Why God Made Moms

Answers given by 2nd grade school children to the following questions:

Why did God make mothers?
1. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.
2. Mostly to clean the house.
3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.

Saturday, August 30, 2008

Maxine - Part Two

NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
God must love stupid people; He made so many.
The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
Being 'over the hill' is much better than being under it!

Friday, August 29, 2008

Maxine - Part One


My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.
I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.

Thursday, August 28, 2008

Hell Explained

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid term.

The answer by one student was so profound that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well :

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

Restroom Graffiti

The best way to a man's heart is to saw his breast plate open. --Women's restroom, Murphy's, Champaign, IL

Don't trust anything that bleeds for 5 days and doesn't die. --Men's restroom, Murphy's, Champaign, IL

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

This Week in Entrecard

This is a great big thank you for last weeks advertisers. For those that I honor each week/month I'm well aware of the dedication you show. In order to stay in the top of the heap you're dropping EC every single day. Many of you have more than one blog and that's 300 drops per day per blog.

Top 8 Morons of 2008

1. WILL THE REAL DUMMY PLEASE STAND UP?

AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership. He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence.

Monday, August 25, 2008

Empress Bee (of the High Sea)

Empress Bee (of the High Sea) has a very special granddaughter who is getting married today. They have all got their dresses, the tuxedos are pressed, but for some silly reason the bride won't get dressed. In fact, they cannot wake her up at all as she was dreaming of her prince charming. FINALLY she woke up with her little dog, Annie, licking her face... it was time to get ready, but first she ate breakfast then she took Annie for a walk in her garden among the tulips.

Saturday, August 23, 2008

The Story Game

It's time to play The Story Game again. I just want you to have something entertaining to do if you swing by for a visit this weekend while I'm relaxing on the boat. So play nice. Okay?

Here's how it works. I'll start a story. You continue it in comments. Each commenter picks up where the last left off.

Thursday, August 21, 2008

The Comment Game

I'm off to the boat for a long weekend and wanted to have something for you to do if you dropped by. What's better than getting to play the comment game? So play nice and I'll see you Sunday.

Here's how it goes: I'll start the game off at the bottom of this post by choosing two words or phrases, like coffee or tea, and which ever one you prefer you choose. You can also explain why.

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

Classified Ads

These classifieds were really put in the paper - a smile for your day

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 8 years old. Hateful little bastard. Bites!

FREE PUPPIES: 1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

This Week in Entrecard

This is a great big thank you for last weeks advertisers. For those that I honor each week/month I'm well aware of the dedication you show. In order to stay in the top of the heap you're dropping EC every single day. Many of you have more than one blog and that's 300 drops per day per blog.

New Study

There is a new study about women and how they feel about their asses, the results were pretty interesting:

30% of women think their ass is too fat...

10% of women think their ass is too skinny...

Monday, August 18, 2008

Facts of Life

Women love to talk on the phone. A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours.

Women will drive miles out of their way to avoid the possibility of getting lost using a shortcut.

Sunday, August 17, 2008

Getting the Story Straight

When a man in Macon, Georgia came upon a wild dog attacking a young boy, he quickly grabbed the animal and throttled it with his two hands.

A reporter saw the incident, congratulated the man and told him the headline the following day would read, "Local Man Saves Child by Killing Vicious Animal."

Saturday, August 16, 2008

The Lawyer

A lawyer died. At the same moment, the Pope also died.

They arrived at the gates of heaven at the same moment.

They spend the day in orientation, and as they're getting their heavenly vestments, the Pope gets a plain white toga and wings, like everyone else, and the lawyer gets much finer apparel, made of gold thread, and Gucci shoes.

Friday, August 15, 2008

Southern Comments

Exclamations:

"Well knock me down and steal muh teeth!"

"Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit."

Thursday, August 14, 2008

Lion Tamer

Two unemployed guys are talking. One says, "I'm going to become a lion tamer."

The other replies, "That's crazy, you don't know nothing about no lion taming."

"Yes I do!"

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Stress Relief

The other day I went downtown to run a few errands. I went into the local coffee shop for a snack. I was only there for about 5 minutes, and when I came out, there was this cop writing out a parking ticket. I said to him, 'Come on, man, how about giving a retired person a break'?

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

This Week in Entrecard

This is a great big thank you for last weeks advertisers. For those that I honor each week/month I'm well aware of the dedication you show. In order to stay in the top of the heap you're dropping EC every single day. Many of you have more than one blog and that's 300 drops per day per blog.

Goin' Huntin'

A doctor in Duluth, Minnesota wanted to get off work and go hunting so he approached his assistant. "Ole, I am goin' huntin' tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic." "I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all my patients."

"Yes, sir!" answers Ole.

Monday, August 11, 2008

What Makes 100%?

What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

Sunday, August 10, 2008

The Lone Ranger

The Lone Ranger is captured by Indians. The Indian Chief proclaims, 'So, you are the great Lone Ranger. In honor of the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days. But, before I kill you, I will grant you three requests.

What is your first request?'

Saturday, August 9, 2008

Gotta Pee...

Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out. Both were very faithful and loving wives, but they had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers.

Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery.

Thursday, August 7, 2008

Did You Know?

You live in the Deep South when...

You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
"ya'll" is singular and "all ya'll" is plural.
After five years you still hear, "Ya ain't from 'round here, are ya?"
"He needed killin" is a valid defense.
Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Mary Sue, Betty Jean, etc.

Wednesday, August 6, 2008

Father O'Malley

An Irish priest is transferred to Texas. It was a fine spring day in his new Texas mission parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the local police station.

Tuesday, August 5, 2008

This Week in Entrecard

This is a great big thank you for last weeks advertisers. For those that I honor each week/month I'm well aware of the dedication you show. In order to stay in the top of the heap you're dropping EC every single day. Many of you have more than one blog and that's 300 drops per day per blog.

Flooding Survival Kit

Toilet Paper - check
Bud Light - check
Keystone Ice - check
Budweiser -check
Red Dog - check
Misc other bottles of alcohol - check
Piece of plywood to float your old lady and booze on - Check

Monday, August 4, 2008

Kids and the Sea

If you are surrounded by sea you are an island. If you don't have sea all round you, you are incontinent........... (Wayne age 7)

Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson She's not my friend no more. (Kylie age 6)

A dolphin breathes through an asshole on the top of its head. (Billy age 8)

Sunday, August 3, 2008

Government ~ Part II

If you think health care is expensive now, wait until you see what it costs when it's free! - P.J. O'Rourke

In general, the art of government consists of taking as much money as possible from one party of the citizens to give to the other. - Voltaire (1764)

Saturday, August 2, 2008

Government ~ Part I

Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress... But then I repeat myself. -Mark Twain

I contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle. -Winston Churchill

Friday, August 1, 2008

The Gunny

Years ago, there was an old tale in the Marine Corps about a lieutenant who inspected his Marines and told the 'Gunny' that they smelled bad.

The lieutenant suggested that they change their underwear. The Gunny responded, 'Aye, aye, sir, I'll see to it immediately'.