Tuesday, July 31, 2007

Artificial Insemination

A man buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool. After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant, and calls a veterinarian for help. The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination.

Monday, July 30, 2007

Web 3.0

I was tagged for We Invented Web 3.0 by Twisted Sister...totally pissed off! . Here we go....

Please I need your help!

I'm typing this from a very secret location. In fact I have had to move 4 times and I have only reached the 30th word of this post.

Sunday, July 29, 2007

Love Dress

A woman stopped by unannounced at her son's house.

She knocked on the door then immediately walked in.

She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law laying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.

Friday, July 27, 2007

Bragging Women

Three women who were friends in high school have returned to their hometown to attend their 45th reunion and have lunch together. Their talk turns to their position in life, and it's clear that they are trying to one-up each other.

The first woman says, "My husband is taking me to the French Riviera for two weeks," and then looks at the others with a superior demeanor.

Fridays Feast

Appetizer
Describe a toy you remember from your childhood.

One of the original Barbie dolls. I carried that doll around for years. They were much larger than the Barbie's made today.

Thursday, July 26, 2007

Woman - Defined

Element Name: WOMAN

Symbol: WO

Atomic Weight: (don't even go there!)

Thursday Thirteen

The Thursday 13 is a weekly meme with a simple theme: each Thursday you blog a list of 13 things. What kind of things? Any kind! Just come up with a list theme and run with it. One week you may list “13 things on my mind” and maybe the next week you’d list “my top 13 favorite movies”.  Back in early 2007, Janet came up with the idea of going through the alphabet;  “13 Things I Love that begin with the letter A”, etc.  That gives you 26 weeks of ideas! Each new 13 will be posted at approximately 8PM EST every Wednesday evening.

Wednesday, July 25, 2007

Wordless Wednesday

Wordless Wednesday (WW) is a visual blogosphere phenomenon. Whereas blogs (web journals) are primarily about "words" bloggers love to dress their journal entries with imagery. WW is a simple blog post featuring a photo which conveys a message that speaks for itself without using words.

Tuesday, July 24, 2007

The Blonde

A blonde enters a store that sells curtains. She tells the salesman, “I would like to buy a pair of pink curtains.”

The salesman assures her that they have a large selection of pink curtains. He shows her several patterns, but the blonde seems to have a hard time choosing.

Eleventh Commandment

During a recent staff meeting in Heaven, God, Moses, and Saint Peter concluded that the behavior of Ex-President Clinton has brought about the need for an eleventh commandment.

They worked long and hard in a brain-storming session to try to settle on the wording of the new commandment,because they realized that it should have the same style, majesty and dignity as the original ten. They began their brain-storming and came up with the 11th.

Monday, July 23, 2007

Things to Think About

I can only please one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.

I love deadlines. Especially the whooshing sound as they go flying by.

Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.

Friday, July 20, 2007

Honey...

A husband is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts. “Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It’s bee flickering for weeks now.”

He looks at here and angrily says, “Fix the lights now? Does it look like I have GE written on my forehead? I don’t think so.”

Fridays Feast

Appetizer
On a scale of 1 to 10 (with 10 being highest) how much do enjoy watching sports on television? One, okay even lower than that. I’m just not into sports.

Thursday, July 19, 2007

Hallmark Cards

My tire was thumping. I thought it was flat. When I looked at the tire... I noticed your cat. Sorry!

Heard your wife left you, How upset you must be. But don't fret about it... She moved in with me.

Wednesday, July 18, 2007

Meme

Sarge over @ Sarge Charlie tagged me with The Moaning Meme. This meme was started over at Freelance Cynic.

I. List four things that should go into room 101 and be removed from the face of the earth.

Great Hands...

One night, after a couple had retired for the night, the woman became aware that her husband was touching her in a most unusual manner.

He started by running his hand across her shoulders and the small of her back. He ran his hand over her breasts, touching them very lightly.

Wordless Wednesday

Wordless Wednesday (WW) is a visual blogosphere phenomenon. Whereas blogs (web journals) are primarily about "words" bloggers love to dress their journal entries with imagery. WW is a simple blog post featuring a photo which conveys a message that speaks for itself without using words.

Tuesday, July 17, 2007

The Wrong Approach

Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, “You know, I don’t know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we’ve been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!”

Thursday, July 12, 2007

The Chicken and the Horse

The chicken and the horse were best friends.

One day the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink. Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help!

Eagles

Did you know that eagles mate for life? Well one day Harry the eagle waited at the nest for Mary his darling of 10 glorious years.

After a while when she didn't return he went looking and found her. She had been shot. Dead!

Wednesday, July 11, 2007

Eight Random Things

Linda over at Are We There Yet? and Dixiechick over at Dixie's Heart & Soul have tagged me with the Eight Random Things meme. I've done this one before, but because it's Linda and Dixiechick doing the tagging I'll do it again, but with a new twist.

Ryan Velting Photography

Ryan Velting @ Ryan Velting Photography is an awesome place to shop for beautiful photographs. I recently ordered 3 shots and they are beautiful. Go take a look at the outstanding photography he has to offer. Ryan is extremely easy to work with and he also is a fellow blogger. You can catch him over at Ryan's Calamity.

Wordless Wednesday

Wordless Wednesday (WW) is a visual blogosphere phenomenon. Whereas blogs (web journals) are primarily about "words" bloggers love to dress their journal entries with imagery. WW is a simple blog post featuring a photo which conveys a message that speaks for itself without using words.

Tuesday, July 10, 2007

Comparisons

A man takes his wife to a livestock show. They start heading down the alley where the bulls are kept. A sign in front of the first bull says: "This bull mated 50 times last year."

The wife turns to her husband and says, "He mated 50 times in a year! You could learn from him."

Monday, July 9, 2007

Air Shamrock

After an Air Shamrock flight reached its cruising altitude, the captain announced:

"Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain. Welcome to Flight 293, non-stop from Speke Airport, Liverpool to Dublin.

Sunday, July 8, 2007

Bumper Stickers

A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.

A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.

If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished.

Saturday, July 7, 2007

Blonde Bank Robbers

Two blondes decided to rob a bank together. The first blonde, Judy, planned the robbery and went over the plan with the second blonde, Buffy, in great detail.

The robbery began. Judy drove up in front of the bank, stopped the car and said to Buffy, "I want to make absolutely sure you understand the plan. You are supposed to be in and out of the bank in no more than three minutes with the cash. Do you understand the plan?"

Friday, July 6, 2007

Butch the Rooster

Keith the farmer was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens), called "pullets" and eight or ten roosters,whose job was to fertilize the eggs. The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced.

Thursday, July 5, 2007

Stupidity!

I was at the checkout of a K-Mart. The clerk rang up $46.64 charge. I gave her a fifty dollar bill. She gave me back $46.64. I gave it back to her and told her that she had made a mistake in MY favor and gave her the money back.