Saturday, March 31, 2007

Menopause Jewelry

My husband, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be able to monitor my moods.

We've discovered that when I'm in a good mood, it turns green. When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a big friggin' red mark on his forehead.

Friday, March 30, 2007

Outlook on Life

The nicest thing about the future is that it always starts tomorrow.

Money will buy a fine dog, but only kindness will make him wag his tail.

If you don't have a sense of humor, you probably don't have any sense at all.

Medical Diagnosis

Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an Old man walking with his legs spread apart.

One of the students said to his friend: "I'm sure he has Petry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that."

Thursday, March 29, 2007

Coffee Anyone?

1. Click on the link (Coffee Machine Below)
2. Put the coin in the vending machine
3. Choose your drink
4. Click on the cup when it's ready

The Canadian

An American is having his (coffee, croissants, bread, butter and jam) when a Canadian man, chewing gum, sits down next to him. The American ignores the Canadian who, nevertheless, starts a conversation.

Canadian: "You American folk eat the whole bread?"

Billy Bob and Earline

Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Luther, "Ya know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation. Only this year I'm gonna do it a little different."

"The last few years, I took your advice about where to go. Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Earline got pregnant.

Wednesday, March 28, 2007

Wordless Wednesday

Wordless Wednesday (WW) is a visual blogosphere phenomenon. Whereas blogs (web journals) are primarily about "words" bloggers love to dress their journal entries with imagery. WW is a simple blog post featuring a photo which conveys a message that speaks for itself without using words.

The Cat


We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Years Eve Party. We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet and put the cat in the back yard.

We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house.

New Seat Belt Law

The National Highway Safety Council has done extensive testing on a newly designed seat belt. Results show that accidents can be reduced b y as much as 45% when the belt is properly installed. Correct installation is illustrated below...

This is very IMPORTANT! THIS MAY SAVE A LIFE!

Tuesday, March 27, 2007

No Work No Food

A little boy comes down to breakfast. Since his family lives on a farm, his mother asks if he has done his chores."

Not yet," said the little boy. His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores.

Monday, March 26, 2007

What Is...

What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
Juan on Juan.

What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

Sunday, March 25, 2007

More on Aging

I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.

Friday, March 23, 2007

The Cowboy and the Yuppie

A Montana cowboy was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"

Thursday, March 22, 2007

Another Man...

A man, returning home a day early from a business trip, got into a taxi at the airport. It was after midnight. While en-route to his home, he asked the cabby if he would be a witness. The man suspected his wife was having an affair and he intended to catch her in the act. For $100, the cabby agreed.

Workplace Evaluation

1. Put 400 bricks in a closed room.
2. Put your new hires in the room and close the door.
3. Leave them alone and come back after 6 hours.
4. Then analyze the situation.

Wednesday, March 21, 2007

Wordless Wednesday

Wordless Wednesday (WW) is a visual blogosphere phenomenon. Whereas blogs (web journals) are primarily about "words" bloggers love to dress their journal entries with imagery. WW is a simple blog post featuring a photo which conveys a message that speaks for itself without using words.

Bubba...

Down south, Bubba called his attorney and asked, "Is it true theys suin them cigarette companies fer causin people to git cancer?"

"Yes, Bubba, sure is true," responded the lawyer.

"And now someone is suin them fast food restaurants Fer makin them fat an cloggin their arteries with all them burgers an fries, is that true, Mista Lawyer?"

Monday, March 19, 2007

St. Peter and Bill Clinton

President Clinton finishes his time on earth and approaches the Pearly Gates of Heaven. "And who might you be?" inquires St. Peter.

"It's me, Bill Clinton, formerly the President of the United States and Leader of the Free World,"

Link Love

Inspired by Head Coach, I thought I would return the favor of speed linking that he was so kind to include me in. So folks lets keep this going... Here are a few of my favorite places to visit...

Head Coach from Can't Coach That visits often and always leaves the nicest messages. His site is newsy, but with a humorous twist. Very funny man, so give him a look-see.

Love Thy Neighbor

A city councilman in Utah, Mark Easton, had a beautiful view of the east mountains, until a new neighbor purchased the lot below his house and built a new home.

The new home was 18 inches higher than the ordinances would allow, so Mark Easton, mad about his lost view, went to the city to make sure they enforced the lower roof line ordinance. The new neighbor had to drop the roof line, at great expense.

Sunday, March 18, 2007

Attaining Calmness

I am passing this on to you because it definitely works. We could all use a little more calmness in our lives. By following the simple advice heard on the Dr. Phil show, you too, can find inner peace. Dr. Phil proclaimed, "The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you've started and never finished."

Saturday, March 17, 2007

St. Patty's Day Humor

Flynn staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Mary. He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.

Friday, March 16, 2007

Boating Passion

For all my Internet friends...When you don't hear from me during the weekend, you can bet I am boating. So, don't worry. The pictures in this post are basically what our boat looks like.

We have a Sea Ray 340 Sundancer. It is a home away from home complete with a head, galley and sleeping quarters.

Friendship Poem

Are you tired of those sissy ‘friendship’ poems that always sound good, but never actually come close to reality?Well, here is a series of promises that actually speak of ‘True Friendship.’

You will see no cutesy little smiley faces in this message, just the stone cold truth of our great friendship.

Thursday, March 15, 2007

Hawaiian Vacation

Two priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation. They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy. As soon as the plane landed, they headed for a store and bought some outrageous shorts, shirts, and sandals.

The Parrot!

Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman. Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher; leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a check.

Wednesday, March 14, 2007

The Rabbi and the Pope

The Chief Rabbi of Israel and the Pope are in a meeting in Rome. The Rabbi notices an unusually fancy phone on a side table in the Pope's private chambers. "What is that phone for?" he asks the pontiff.

"It's my direct line to the Lord." The Rabbi is skeptical, and the Pope notices. The Holy Father insists the Rabbi try it out, and, indeed, he is connected to the Lord. The Rabbi holds a lengthy discussion with Him.

Tuesday, March 13, 2007

The Thinking Blog...

The thinking blog has a post that is worth the visit. It is titled Support Topless Women. The author of this site was nice enough to send me a message and I thought I would return the favor my posting a blurb on this great site. So, take a look at some topless women in New York and see what you think...

Hillary Clinton

Hillary Clinton and her driver were cruising along a country road one evening when an ancient cow loomed in front of the car. The driver tried to avoid it but couldn't - the aged bovine was struck and killed. Hillary told her driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what had happened. She stayed in the car making phone calls to lobbyists.

Monday, March 12, 2007

More on Hillary

Hillary Clinton was taking a tour of a D.C. hospital while working to reform healthcare in the U.S.

As she is touring, a doctor is explaining all the different functions of the hospital to her.

The Blonde

A blonde made several attempts to sell her old car. She was having a lot of problems finding a buyer because the car had 340,000 miles on it. She discussed her problem with a brunette that she worked with at a bar.

The brunette suggested, "There may be a chance to sell that car easier, but it's not going to be legal."

Another Blonde

There was a Blonde, a Brunette, and a Redhead standing on the beach. They had decided the previous evening whilst in the pub to try and swim the English channel. After some discussion, they decided the quickest way would be to do the breast stroke, so off they set.

Sunday, March 11, 2007

The Stranded Blonde

There were three people stranded on an island, a brunette, a redhead, and a blonde. The brunette looked over the water to the mainland and estimated about 20 miles to shore. So she announced, "I'm going to try to swim to shore." So she swam out five miles, and got really tired. She swam out ten miles from the island, and she was too tired to go on, so she drowned.

Saturday, March 10, 2007

About Your Driver's License

This is upsetting but I thought I should pass it along. Check your drivers license. Now you can see anyone's Driver's License on the Internet, including your own! I just searched for mine and there it was... picture and all!!!

Friday, March 9, 2007

Marriage and the Church

Three couples, an elderly couple, a middle-aged couple and a young newly-wed couple wanted to join a church. The priest said, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks." The couples agreed and came back at the end of two weeks.

Thursday, March 8, 2007

Test for Dementia

Below are four (4) questions and a bonus question. You have to answer them instantly. You can't take your time, answer all of them immediately. OK let's find out just how clever you really are.

Ready? GO!!!

Tuesday, March 6, 2007

Old? Me?

I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist. I noticed his DDS diploma, which bore his full name.

Suddenly, I remembered a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 47 years ago. Could he be the same guy that I had a secret crush on, way back then?

Hip Old Lady

The next time you see a little old lady with shaky hands, you'll remember this lady:

A little old lady, well into her eighties, slowly enters the frontdoor of a sex shop. Obviously very unstable on her feet, she wobbles the few feet across the store to the counter.

Monday, March 5, 2007

A Simple Test...

This test only has one question, but it's a very important one. By giving an honest answer, you will discover where you stand morally. The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation in which you will have to make a decision. Remember that your answer needs to be honest, yet spontaneous. Please scroll down slowly and give due consideration to each paragraph.

Sunday, March 4, 2007

Fallen

An old priest got sick of everyone in his parish confessing adultery. During one Sunday's sermon he told them, "If one more person confesses to adultery, I'll quit!" Since everyone liked him, they decided to use a code word: "fallen." From then on, anyone who had committed adultery said they had "fallen."

Friday, March 2, 2007

Little Johnny

One day, during a lesson on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands for who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice.

First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."

What Religion?

A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's, and walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife."

What type of bra?" asked the clerk.

Thursday, March 1, 2007

A Priest and a Rabbi

A Priest and a Rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane. After a while, the Priest turned to the Rabbi and asked, "Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?"

The Rabbi responded, "Yes, that is still one of our beliefs."

Dear Tech Support...

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources.  In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activities, such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0, Going To The Pub 7.5, and Softball 3.6...