Tuesday, July 25, 2006

The Bathtub Test

It doesn’t hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time, and this should help get you started. During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

God, “Where have You Been?”

Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for six days. On the seventh day, Michael the archangel found him, resting. He inquired of God, “Where have you been?”

God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, “Look Michael, look what I’ve made.”

T.G.I.F. vs. S.H.I.T.

A businessman got on an elevator. When he entered, there was a blonde already inside who greeted him with a bright, T.G.I.F.”

He smiled at her and replied, “S.H.I.T.”

A Perfect Night

A man was dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezes and her glass eye came flying out of its socket towards the man.

Help Wanted

A sign in the window saying “HELP WANTED - Must be a good typist and have good computer skills. Successful applicant must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer.”

A short time later a lovely golden retriever dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it, whined and pawed the air.

That’s My Boy?

Dad and Dave are down on the farm as usual and Dad says to Dave, “Now Dave, I think you’re old enough to work by yourself so I want you to go to the far paddock and plough it up.”

“Right ‘o Dad” says Dave and heads out to the paddock.

Monday, July 24, 2006

Lawyer Puns

Q: What do you call a smiling, sober, courteous person at a bar association convention?
A: The caterer.

Q: What’s the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of pond scum?
A: The bucket.

Wednesday, July 19, 2006

Childcare Tip

~ Tough Love vs. Spanking ~
(A psychological conundrum)

Most of America’s populace think it improper to spank children, so I have tried other methods to control my kids when they have one of “those moments.”

Tuesday, July 18, 2006

The Blonde Guy

An Irishman, a Mexican and a Blonde guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building. They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, “Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I’m going to jump off this building.”

Monday, July 17, 2006

Freezing

Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a romantic winter vacation. When they get there, the guy goes out to chop some wood. When he gets back, he says, “Honey, my hands are freezing!”

She says, “Well put them here between my legs and that will warm them up.”

Sunday, July 16, 2006

Politicians

A Washington, DC airport ticket agent offers some examples of why our country is in trouble!!!

~I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman ask for an aisle seat so that her hair wouldn’t get messed up by being near the window.

Barbie and G.I. Joe

A little girl is in line to see Santa. When it’s her turn, she climbs up on Santa’s lap. Santa asks, “What would you like Santa to bring you for Christmas?”

The little girl replies, “I want a Barbie and G.I. Joe.”

Friday, July 14, 2006

Bubba in Paris

Bubba, a furniture dealer from Arkansas, decided to expand the line of furniture in his store, so he decided to go to Paris to see what he could find. After arriving in Paris he met with some manufacturers and selected a line that he thought would sell well back home in Arkansas.

Thursday, July 13, 2006

Da Vinci Code

Written across the wall of the cave were the following symbols:

The piece of stone was removed, brought to the museum,
and archaeologists from around the world came to study
the ancient symbols. They held a huge meeting after months of conferences to discuss the meaning of the markings.

Tuesday, July 11, 2006

An Engineer in Hell

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, “Ah, you’re an engineer - you’re in the wrong place.” So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they’ve got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

The IRS Agent

A dad walks into the market followed by his ten-year-old son. The kid is spinning a 25-cent piece in the air and catching it between his teeth. As they walk through the market someone bumps into the boy at just the wrong moment and the coin goes straight into his mouth and lodges in his throat. He immediately starts choking and going blue in the face and Dad starts panicking, shouting and screaming for help.

The Fly

One day an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walked into a pub together. They each proceeded to buy a pint of Guinness. Just as they where about to enjoy their creamy beverage three flys landed in each of their pints, and were stuck in the thick head.

The Englishman pushed his beer from him in disgust.

Eve and Adam

One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God… “Lord, I have a problem!”

“What’s the problem, Eve?”

Saturday, July 8, 2006

Hell

One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in despair he has his first meeting with a demon…

Demon: Why so glum chum?

Guy: What do you think? I’m in hell.

The Four Sons

These four gents go out to play golf one sunny morning. One is detained in the clubhouse, and the other three are discussing their children while walking to the first tee.

“My son Kent,” says one, “has made quite a name for himself in the home-building industry. He began as a carpenter, but now owns his own design and construction firm. He’s so successful in fact, in the last year he was able to give a good friend a brand new home as a gift.”

Friday, July 7, 2006

The Mime

One day an out of work mime is visiting the zoo and attempts to earn some money as a street performer. As soon as he starts to draw a crowd, a zoo keeper grabs him and drags him into his office. The zoo keeper explains to the mime that the zoo’s most popular attraction, a gorilla, has died suddenly and the keeper fears that attendance at the zoo will fall off. He offers the mime a job to dress up as the gorilla until they can get another one. The mime accepts.

Thursday, July 6, 2006

Giving Pills to Pets

CATS:

Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat’s mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

Tuesday, July 4, 2006

Happy Independence Day

Independence Day, commonly known as the Fourth of July, is a federal holiday in the United States commemorating the adoption of the Declaration of Independence on July 4, 1776, declaring independence from the Kingdom of Great Britain (now officially known as the United Kingdom).

Monday, July 3, 2006

Arkansas

After having their 10th child, an Arkansas couple decided that that was enough. So the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn’t want to have any more children. The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem.

Cannibal Fruit

Three men who were lost in the forest were captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they pass a trial. The first step of the trial was to go to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.

Bad Dream

A man goes into his son’s room to wish him goodnight. His son is having a nightmare - the man wakes him and asks his son if he is OK? The son replies he is scared because he dreamed that Auntie Susie had died. The father assures the son that Auntie Susie is fine and sends him to bed.