Friday, February 24, 2006

Men vs Women

Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

Thursday, February 23, 2006

The Big Flood

It had been raining for days and days, and a terrible flood had come over the land. The waters rose so high that one man was forced to climb onto the roof of his house.

As the waters rose higher and higher, a man in a rowboat appeared, and told him to get in. "No," replied the man on the roof. "I have faith in the Lord; the Lord will save me." So the man in the rowboat went away. The man on the roof prayed for God to save him.

Tuesday, February 21, 2006

Federal Employee Evaluations

“Honesty” and “government” don’t often go hand in hand. However, honesty takes center stage in these actual excerpts from Federal employee performance evaluations:

“Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.”

Wednesday, February 15, 2006

The New Priest

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.

After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, “When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.”

Saturday, February 11, 2006

Hormone Hostage

The Hormone Hostage knows that there are days in the month when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his very life into his own hands!

This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver’s license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend, or significant other!

Tuesday, February 7, 2006

Would You Remarry?

A husband and wife were sitting quietly in bed reading when the wife looks over at him and asks, “What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?”

“Definitely not!” her husband replies.

Monday, February 6, 2006

10 Husbands

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, “Please be gentle, I’m still a virgin.”

“What?” said the puzzled groom. “How can that be if you’ve been married ten times?”

Sunday, February 5, 2006

Three Little Ducks

Three little ducks go into a bar.

“Say, what’s your name?” the bartender asked the first duck.

“Huey,” was the reply.

“How’s your day been, Huey?”

Saturday, February 4, 2006

Pint Effect

One pint (0.5L) - Relaxed
To most drinkers the first pint of whatever disappear almost unnoticed and will have little or no effect on speech/co-ordination etc. Conversation will be of the polite, perfunctory variety e.g. soaps, schooldays, sport and the price of net curtains, etc…Some beer-mat flicking will be in evidence, as the ice hasn’t quite melted yet. Potentially a good time for the politically incorrect amongst you to tell a bad taste or sexist joke. Did you hear the one about the one-eyed Latvian and the chicken?

Wednesday, February 1, 2006

Things to Ponder

A husband is someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the impression that he just cleaned the whole house.

My next house will have no kitchen - just vending machines and a large trash can.